Now my mate Sid's not the brightest bloke in the world, must've been dropped on his head as a child. In fact I reckon if ya checked the records Sid's ol mum must've been a basketball player, and being too poor to own a ball dribbled Sid's head on the hard lino floor. Cos his heads still got a bare patch and he's not too bright.
Anyway, Sid's in trouble with the law on account of his speeding, see Sid's old Harley's got a bald front tyre, so he reckons the safest way to ride it is to fang it and try to keep the front tyre off the road, no mean feat on a '74 FLH. Anyway, this habit had Sid fronting court on a Reckless and Irresponsible Driving charge. He mentioned it down the pub and when I asked what his lawyer thought he said, "Reckon I'll represent meself mate, after all, nobody likes a lawyer!" I figured Sid was going to need all the help he could get. I caught up with him outside the courthouse and as we were going in I gave him a few hints. "Don't piss off the judge mate & try to make a good impression. If they use any big words ya don't understand, write em down, it can help." "Cool mate." says Sid.
Now I started to worry when I saw the judge, a skinny old buzzard in a wig and gown, with a hook nose, beady eyes and those little bifocals judges wear, he looked a proper mean old coot. Sid wasn't fazed. "G'day baby, I'm Sid, show us ya tits" Sid said by way of introduction. "I beg your pardon" blustered the judge "but I am a man." "Oh sorry mate," said Sid "but I reckoned in the dress and blonde wig you was lookin to pass for a Sheila, not that I got anything against faggots, I'm a sensitive old age bloke!" said Sid trying to make a good impression. The judge had gone silent but his eyes had got bigger and his colour was starting to change! The uncomfortable silence hung in the air like a chilli dog's bark. Sadly it was Sid who broke it. "Yeah, ya not real convincing mate, I mean some of these poofs down the valley, it can be 'ard to tell, high heels, short dresses, fake tits, hear 'ang on maybe they could give ya a few pointers!" offered Sid helpfully. The judge was bright red by now, and banged his gavel in rage, but he hit it off centre and it flew from the bench. "Just trying to be 'elpful mate, but if ya wanna nail that fucker down, I used to work on a construction site, so I outa know, oh and that little hammers no fuckin good, get a big metal claw one" said Sid. "Sid!!" I whispered from the public gallery "Shut the fuck up!" "Oh" said Sid "Sorry."
The judge got the bailiff to return his gavel and had a drink of water to regain his composure. "Sidney Norman Franklin," he read "you have been asked to front this court on the charge of Reckless and Irresponsible Driving, how do you plead?" "Well first" said Sid "ya don't drive a Harley ya ride one, but I reckon that frigging copper who did the ticket's a bit thick and didn't know the difference!" "He isn't on trial here Mr Franklin, just answer the charges, reckless and irresponsible ….riding" said the judge. Sid pondered this then grabbing his biro scribbled 'wreckless', said it a few times quietly then said "Yep reckon that's 'bout right mate, I've ridden scoots like this all me life and I've never wrecked one yet." "What?" said the judge. "Ows that other one go?" asked Sid. "Irresponsible" the judge said moving his bifocals to stare over them. "Irresponsible" said Sid confused and going for his pen again "oh I get it, like not responsible?" "Yes" said the judge "something like that." "Well" said Sid " if you reckon I'm not responsible and the pig reckons it too, then it sounds cool to me, personally I reckon society's to blame." The judge seemed to give up on the whole thing, and asked "You were caught passing through a speed trap doing 85 in a 60 zone how do explain that Mr Franklin?" "Well I didn't know the tricky bastard was there, he was hiding behind a car on the side of the road, the prick!" Sid explained. I noticed the cops colour was now changing too! "I see," said the judge "I am suspending your licence for 6 months, during which time you are not to …ride on it." "Such is life." said Sid solemnly.
Ah Sid, there's no helping you!